Friday, June 4, 2021

Last Words

I don’t know if it’s weird or not for people to worry a lot about the life you would leave behind if you died. I think as a writer, I get fixated on “famous last words” and “closing scenes” which make me want to leave behind something worth remembering and deserving of this one great life I’ve been given.

I think a lot about what people will say about me; the pieces I have written that they will turn too; and the memories of me that they will hold dear. 

I think 10 years ago, the memories of me would have been different. I was devoted to my SAHM life. I was a milder, quieter version of myself. 

But fast forward through my father’s abandonment, my affair, my divorce, and about a dozen more bullet holes and stab wounds and you get me: the brazen, determined, guarded girl standing in front you.

I think the only time I am truly transparent is when I write. I think through my words I am able to let others into a side of me that often times is not as visible to the naked eye. I think my writings reflect a lot of sadness and the grief process, but I think there is also an undercurrent of bravery and courage in some of my pieces. A girl who literally rebuilt herself from rock bottom, and who stands before you a brilliant shining example of God’s grace and unfathomable goodness. 

But while my writing reflects this, my life right now does not. 

In my day to day life this is what I think the people closest to me see: a girl who is stressed beyond comprehension, who is void of joy, and who wears wounds like armor. 

And you know what? The more I think about this-the more crucial it is becoming for me NOT to be remembered like this. 

Because where my writings may reflect hope, my everyday life seems to reflect hopelessness. 

Where my writing reflect courage, my everyday life reflects a fear of change. 

And where my writings reflect a tone of joy for my salivation from my pit, my life reflects a girl who is still very much stuck there. 

And the more I dwell on that reality-the more it feels like a sucker punch deep in my gut. 

Because the people who are stuck with the girl in the pit are my family. 

My husband. Our daughters. 

The people who will remember me most once the rest of the world forgets I was even here. 

And for me that needs to change. 

I want my family to remember the way I prioritized them. Above my not only my current career, but the things that keep me tied down emotionally and spiritually. 

I want my family to remember me as joy filled, and that I was at peace with them and with our life.

I want my family to remember me as having an open and loving heart that was willing to meet people right where they were at regardless of where they came from or where they were going. 

But mostly, I want my family to remember me for the way I loved Jesus, and the way He was my Rock and my portion through all the things I have overcame in my life. 

I don’t want anyone to remember me as the girl with a bunch of baggage she couldn’t put down. 

I want them to remember me as being free and living my life out in the freedom that comes with knowing Christ. 

I’m not sure how to get there, but I think laying a lot of stuff down is a good place to start, and recently I off loaded the two biggest pieces of baggage that I’ve been carrying around for a very long time. 

So here’s to the rest of it: the current career that is literally sucking the life out of me; the alcohol that is helping me cope; and the depression and anxiety that make me feel trapped. Here’s to finding a way to set these things to the side so I can focus on what’s truly important and what’s not. 

This current version of myself is not the person I wish to leave behind. These are not the memories of me I want for my children. I will not leave the people I love most to wonder or worry about where my heart was, because despite the heaviness right now-it has and always will be with them. 

I am going to get to the other side of this. I’m going to find my freedom. I’m already a lot closer today than I was 6 months ago. 
And I can’t wait to see the way He rewrites the closing scene. 

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