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Saturday, January 20, 2018

Things I Don't Say Out Loud

"I can say with great certainty and absolute honesty
that I did not know what love was until I knew what love was not."
~P.T. Berkey


We all have that one person we don't really talk about.

For me that person is you.

It will always be you. 

It's been 4 years.

Four.

When I choose to go there, I remember every single moment of every single second of that day.

That day is full of images and feelings my mind and my heart just cannot shake.

Trust me. I've tried. 

If I could sit down across the table from you, the first thing I would do is stare straight into your eyes.

Eyes that used to bring me to my knees.

Eyes that could convince me to do anything you wanted.

Eyes that were always so sincere even when they lied. 

I would wonder if there was ever a soul in their depths even though I would already know the answer.

I would wonder if-even for one single moment of the past four years- tears had formed in their corners at the thought of me.

I would wonder if you ever felt guilt.

The kind of guilt that lingers and waits patiently for you in the dark.

Do you-even for a split second-think about all the lies you've told?

Lies carefully crafted to make you sleep better at night.

How is that working for you?

From the outside, it seems to be working well.

I mean, thank God you're not me.

The shade of victim you're wearing is so becoming on you.

Really.

I wish I had the guts to pull it off.

But, I know every story needs a villain.

Someone or something for "true love" to conquer.

Because without it the ending would never be "happy".

I have resigned myself to being the villain for you.

It suites me better anyways.

And honestly, I never got the chance to play the other part.

I was too busy picking up all the pieces and hobbling together a life for myself that I had almost forgotten all about you.

Almost. 

You know, I read somewhere that strength is being able to forgive someone who is not sorry.

And if I was being honest, I would tell you that I have spent every single day of the last 4 years and 6 months trying to forgive you.

Really, truly forgive you.

I used to tell myself that I had, but honestly all I had done is bury it deep inside somewhere, and I never allowed myself to think about it or acknowledge it.

Because we all have chapters in our story that we don't want to read out loud.

For me, you are that chapter.

Because that chapter brings me to tears.

Tears for what could have been.

Tears for what never was.

Tears for the lies.

Tears for the girl who believed them.

You know I thought by now I would be able to sit across the table from you and wish you the best.

That if I really loved you a part of me would want you to be happy.

To embrace all the beauty that life has for you.

I thought that I would get to a place where I could extend you the grace that has been so graciously extended to me.

But, as I type this 4 1/2 years later I can say with absolute certainty that I'm not there yet.

And I don't know if I ever will be.

I know I should.

I know it's the "right" thing to do.

I know I have so many things for which to be thankful.

I know that this life 1,602 days later looks a hell of a lot better than I thought it would on the day you tried to destroy me.

I know all of these things.

And when I push all of this down deep and I don't think about it, I can almost convince myself that I have accepted those truths.

But, then the long nights come.

Or a memory, or a song, or a place reaches out and slaps me straight across the face.

And you know what?

It still knocks the wind out of me.

It leaves me breathless and angry.

I know it's me who still chooses to give you that power.

The power to dictate how I feel about things that you don't even care about from thousands of miles away.

Things you've tucked away and pretend never happened.

Things that once made up the plot line of a fairytale that suddenly turned into a nightmare.

A glorious charade.

Because that's all it was, right?

A charade.

A storyline that stroked your ego.

You loved pretending to be the hero.

The person sweeping in to "save" me.

It gave you purpose.

Until that purpose no longer served you.

And the princess you were "saving" was left with nothing more than a broken heart and a new life that was built on empty promises you never intended to keep.

But, you're right.

100%.

I'm the villain.

The homewrecker.

The girl in this town with a reputation I will never quite be able to shake.

All of it.

Every single moment was all my fault.

I brought this on myself.

When they build a statue to your piety and perfection will you be sure to let me know?

I'll want to send a card.

A card to express my condolences. 

My condolences for the for the life you've chosen to live.

A life full of lies and moments that you will never, ever get back.

A life without merit or even a vapor of anything noteworthy or honorable.

Because while you were choosing that life, I was choosing to rebuild mine.

Stone by stone.

Broken piece by broken piece.

While you were hiding in the shadows, I chose to step into the Light.

I was tired of the dark.

While you chose to run, I chose to face them.

Every single one.

Eye to eye.

Fist to fist.

While you chose easy, I chose hard.

And God was it hard.

So freaking hard.

While you chose false "faith", I chose the real thing.

Because honestly, grace was the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.

While you chose fake, I chose real.

And it came in the form of the truest, purest love I have ever known.

So, yeah.

You have my condolences.

Because I would rather live a life that is hard and worth talking about.

Than whatever it is that your doing.

Because talking about your story.

Stories about boys just like you.

Who broke girls just like me.

And how girls just like me lived to tell about it.

Those stories-they change lives.

And those types of stories can only be told by those of us who are not afraid to tell them.

So, while you wallow in fear with all of your lies.

I'll be over here.

On top of my mountain.

Thankful that I have always been brave enough to own my truth.

And you know, if I ever got the chance to sit down across the table from you, I'm pretty sure I would tell you that.

All of it.

Every single word. 

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