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Monday, May 8, 2017

The Wilderness


"For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
Isaiah 43:19

Our life lately can best be described as a wilderness.

A dry, barren place where it feels like we are ever making our way through the dark, and crying out for rest.

My soul is in desperate need of rest. 

But, yet we keep walking. We keep trusting. We keeping holding on to His promise to make a way.

And He is.

As always.

He is making a way.

*****

In 2013, I found myself walking through another wasteland.

I was week's away from my divorce, a new single mom, and navigating my way through the most crippling heart break of my entire existence.

I was also starting a brand new job.

After years of being blessed to stay at home with my daughter and only working part-time here and there, I found myself walking through the doors of my first full time job in 4 years.

I had never held a job in the property management or real estate field.

My background was healthcare.

I knew everything about health insurance pre-certification; protocols for CT scans, MRI's, and Ultrasounds; and how to navigate a large healthcare database.

I knew nothing about things like pH of swimming pools; or how to coordinate a major stair tower rebuild; or what to do when someone decides to improperly install a.k.a "jimmy-rig" an ice maker on the top floor and said ice maker decides to break loose and flood all six units below it.

This job was completely foreign territory, but I needed it.

So, like everything else I have ever done, I threw myself into it and surprisingly, I grew to love it.

The girl who was bound and determined to finish her degree and go into healthcare suddenly changed her mind.

This job I needed to survive quickly turned into a career.

When I think about my life 10, 15, 20 years down the road, this is what I see myself doing.

It's a rewarding feeling knowing you have found a job that not only pays your bills, but that also plays a role in giving your life a fulfilling purpose.

And as the years have gone by, I have moved up steadily through the ranks. As off this time last year, I was running my current company for a guy who lived several hours away.

I was rocking my #bossbabe status and loving every minute of it.

But, unfortunately, running this business hasn't been all sunny skies and roses.

I have had to see this ship through many, many storms in my short time at the helm.

We have road some of them out with ease, while others have been far more crippling.

And the most crippling blow came two months ago at the beginning of my family's devastating journey through loss and grief when I found out that this little ship I've been navigating and coaxing along was going to suffer a blow so powerful that there would be no way we could stay afloat.

*****

It's hard to watch something you've fought so hard for sink deeply into the abyss, but that's what I'm doing these days. 

I'm doing my best to prepare the life boats for all of us who are left: the final four of us who have been manning this ship alone-but together-for basically the last two years. 

I want desperately for us all to be okay.

I want this blow to somehow not take the wind out of each of us.

But, it is. 

When we are honest, we will tell you that this has left us reeling.

Grasping. 

Hurt, angry, and trying to make sense of what the next steps will be. 

Because most days it feels more like giving up than what it actually is...the inevitable.

And for all of us that's more than we can swallow. 

But, we put on our brave face.

We line out each new step. 

We've all taken new positions or made plans for our retirements. 

We smile, and nod, and pretend like this isn't killing us.

But, it is. 

Because for the past three and half years, this place and these people have been home. 

This place that gave a young, newly single mom a chance at the wonderful life she now gets to enjoy every single day. 

This place that never, ever felt like "work", but an extension of me and who I was always meant to be. 

These people who always allowed me to be mom first and the employee second. 

And if we're being honest, I don't know how to walk away or how to not be a mess about this. 

Because I am. 

*****

But, God is good. 

And He always, always, ALWAYS provides. 

And I'm doing my best to trust Him in all of these things that I just can't seem to understand, because I know His ways are perfect and His plans are always better. 

But, this wilderness...this dark, barren place He is leading me through...can start showing signs of light anytime now.

Because my soul is deeply exhausted and ready for rest. 

Anytime now, Lord. 

Anytime. 

And until then I'll be here taking all of this one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. 

Because that's all I know to do.

Trust in Him and this new direction of forward. 

Always forward.

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