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Friday, February 13, 2015

The Brave Road


"Courage, dear heart." ~C.S. Lewis


I am struggling this week.

Well, if we are being completely honest, I have been struggling for a while now.

The tears come at the most unexpected times-mostly in the mornings-as I wrestle with this impending change.

Mostly, I think about the brave young mother who wrote this post.

I think about how much I meant those words-how I still mean those words.

I think about all the promises I've made to myself.

The promise that I would be better and stronger.

The promise that I would rise above the examples of how to walk this road that have been laid out for me, and that I would forge my own path-a path that is wide enough for all of us to share no matter how unsure it may seem.

And-for the most part-I've kept those promises.

I've held tightly to my word as if it's some kind of penance for all the mistakes I have made, and I have managed to stand my ground even if-at times-it is anything but graceful.

But this week, my courage has waivered.

The light from my brave face has darkened.

The sound from my strong voice has quivered.

The well-meaning gestures that embody all of my promises have been held out with hands that just can't seem to quit shaking.

And I find myself clinging to His promises of courage and bravery.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong.

I wake up every morning and say this to the girl in the mirror.

The girl who has been through so much more than people know about and who is still standing here. 

The girl who manages to sound so brave and so sure of herself  to anyone who asks her. 

The girl who works full time, while going to school full time, and still finds time to be someone's mom and someone's girlfriend. 

The girl who puts everyone's needs before her own. 

She amazes me every single day. 

But, this week she doesn't feel so amazing.

In fact this week, she is shaking as she watches a monumental scene of her life fade to black while a new act prepares to take the stage. 

Some days I'm ready for it.

Other days I'm not.

Like today. 

Today, I'm not ready.

Trust me, I know I'll find my bearings eventually. I always do.

I know my bravery and my fight are in there somewhere. They never manage to go very far.

 It's just going to take me a minute to find them again with alot of help from God and some best friend therapy.

Because tomorrow is coming. 

Ready or not. 

And it's time to accept it and move on. 

Because that's what brave women do. 

They swallow their pain and uncertainty, and they accept their vast, great unknown because they know they aren't being asked to walk this road alone. 

I know I'm not alone.  

I know He is here and He will carry me if I only but ask.

Because, he knows the road is treacherous and steep, but he also knows how far I've come and He isn't about to allow fear to get the best of me.

This is the road.

The road I have seen on the horizon. 

The road that is meant for me for such a time as this. 

And there is no turning back. 

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