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Thursday, January 22, 2015

Mirror, Mirror


It occured to me today as I filled in my thinning eye brows, that I am going to be thirty this year.

Thirty.

Where did the time go?

Not that I would ever want to re-live my twenties.

No. Thank. You.

However, I am starting to think I've misplaced the confident, vivacious girl-woman I became in my twenties and I wouldn't mind to go back and look for her.

I thought your thirties were supposed to be your confident years-the new twenties- so, why do I feel so unsure of myself?

It's a question that has been plaguing me for weeks and I can't seem to find the answer.

When I stare at the woman looking back at me from the mirror, I can't seem to convince her that she's the same beautiful, confident, sexy girl she was in her twenties.

And it occured to me today that I can't even remember the last time I felt like any of those things.

I wonder if that girl even still exists?

Now don't get me wrong, I already know all the Sunday School answers about what true beauty is.

I have written here, here, here, and here about self confidence and valuing yourself-it just happens to be a soapbox of mine.

I know all about wrangling your inner demons, drowning out the media, and loving yourself for exactly who you are.

But, lately I seem to have lost my faith in those things.

I feel more like a scared, insecure girl of fourteen than a woman who is almost thirty.

And I just don't think that is normal.

I don't think the Lord wants us to deny ourselves and let ourselves go all for the sake of inner beauty. I think it's normal for women to want to believe that they are the beautiful and confident beings they were created to be.

And all the books and articles promised that I would feel this way going into my thirties, so why isn't that happening?

What's wrong with me?

Maybe this is all part of the transition.

Maybe I'll come back into my own eventually.

But, right now, I'm not sure when that will be.

But, could you do me a favor if you happen to see her?

Will you tell her I miss her and she can come back anytime now?

Thanks.

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