Friday, January 9, 2015

Be Still

"The Lord will fight for you.
You need only to be still."
Exodus 14:14 

2015 came in a rush, but with little to no fanfare. 

I've spent days pondering what I would write about 2014 and how I would signify it's end. 

To be honest, I didn't wish it away, as I had 2013. I didn't spend countless hours planning and promising how 2015 would be so much better than the years past. There just wasn't any need too. 

2014 was everything I prayed it would be: a bright, cloudless blue sky of hope and promise after years of skies that were full of the darkened clouds of pain, rejection, and regret. 

It was a turning point. 

A year of change. 

A year of renewed hope and brand new love. 

It was a beautiful year.

It was a good year.

Just as I knew it would be.

However, the end of the year had it's moments.

Moments of weakness and fraility.

Moments that continue to teach me that grief is a funny creature-one I have yet to master.

And it's these moments, despite all the high's of 2014, that leave me speechless. In fact, they leave me in a place where I want to pull away from the world and surround myself with what matters, so I can move forward completely healed and in one piece.


For the last year and a half, I have held my ground when it comes to writing what is true, and honest, and real. I feel like so much of what we show on social media is fake or barely skimming the surface of our lives.

We read rants about "airing our dirty laundry" and about keeping the monsters in our closets locked away, because no one "wants to see that" or "read about it". And yet, they do read it and they do chime in on it, because I hold firm in my belief that people DO want to see that-they want to see honest, raw, and real.

The truth is that when we're not posting pictures of our "perfect" family moments or spending our Novembers writing a thankful post for every freaking day, our lives behind the camera and the keyboard are just that: honest, raw, and real.

Yes, it's okay to take pride in the beautiful moments.

The moments that fill us with so much love and excitement that we feel like we might burst: the birth of a friend's child, a surprise engagement, a long-overdue date night, a moment when he deserves to be bragged on a little, that hellacious stent of potty training that finally ended sucessfully...we should share those moments! I think that's exactly what social media is for, so that the friends and loved ones we don't see all the time can share in those triumphs with us.

But, I think deep down, the people around us crave honesty too.

Honesty that reminds them that they are not the only ones with monsters hiding in their closets.

Honesty that reaches down and says, "I've been there" or "I am there".

Honesty that shows that human life is very hard...but we're still here. We are still living and breathing and taking it one day at a time.

Isn't that all any of us want from time to time?

Someone to just understand?

Unfortuantely, we have been brain-washed that social media is only for displays of perfection and I,quite frankly, have a problem with that.

So, I will be taking a hiatus from most social media, primarily Facebook, starting Monday, January 12th.

I did this at the end of 2013 for about six weeks, and I found it to be a great time of reflection.

Not only do I have some grief that I still need to work through, but I also need to refocus on what is important to me going in to 2015: my relationship with the Lord, my mental and spiritual health, my family, and making strides in my education.

On January 12th, I will begin taking my first seated class in 6 years, and I need to eliminate as much distraction from my life as possible, so I can be committed to succeeding in that class. I also want to do more writing here-on my blog, and I want to finally start the book the Lord has been chastening after me to write for the last two years.

I've finally decided that it's time, and another break from social media is the place to start.

I need to quiet my heart and mind, and truly give this life and His plan for it over to Him completely. I need to loosen my hold on the reigns, and allow Him to finally heal me and make me new for the wonderful future I know He has planned for me.

He has surrounded me with some of the most amazing people: a daughter who already sees me as everything I long to be in this life, a man who shows me every single day what uncoditional love really is, a family who fights for me every single day, and a couple of the most amazing best friends a girl could ever ask for.

I've decided these are the only people I need to surround myself with for the time being while I refocus and heal.


So how will we stay in touch?!

Well, the faithful who aren't afraid of a little raw honesty can always find me here: speaking my mind and spilling my bleeding heart.

Feel free to bookmark this page on your phones, tablets, and computers. My goal is write something-anything-at least once a week. Don't be afraid to leave comments either or shoot me an email if something stirs you.

You won't find any fake cover-ups here.

I will also be leaving my Instagram account open for the occassional picture of Emma that is just too good to pass up. Feel free to send me a follow request here. I don't find Instagram to be the distraction that Facebook is, but I will still limit my use to a few times a week.


2015 will be the year of being still.

My year to open myself up to His will and His way completely.

My year to finally allow Him to do all the fighting.

My year to find my way back to wholeness:mentally and spiritually. 

I'm ready. 

I'm finally ready.

And suddenly I have a feeling that 2015 is going to be the most amazing year yet. 

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