"I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife..."
Hozier, Take Me To Church
I forget that I am human sometimes.
That I hurt.
That I feel the things of this world too deeply at times.
When I'm writing these new "positive" blogs and spouting off co-parenting advice and beautifully mature letters to her future stepmother, I feel like I am some supernatural being here to save the world from all of my mistakes!
But then something happens that brings me back down to planet earth.
Back into the puddled mess of a girl I used to be.
The girl who spent more time looking at the ground than at the sky.
The girl who lost herself in a dream that turned out only to be a nightmare.
The girl who gave and gave and gave until every ounce of her childhood was stripped of her by rough hands and reminders that she would never be good enough.
I hate that girl.
I HATE her.
But, she's still in there.
Still huddled in a corner somewhere waiting to be drug out from the darkness to face the light.
In all fairness, The woman I am now is trying to be mature.
Trying to bite her tongue.
Trying to find a way to pick up the pieces again and move forward.
But, the girl in my closet demands to be heard.
She claws at my heart.
She fills my mind with her bruises and tears.
And all she keeps saying over and over and over is this:
"Why wasn't I worth it?"
Yes. She made mistakes-terrible, awful mistakes that have required too many sacrifices and penance that never seems to be enough.
But, you had determined her worth long before her mistakes were made.
You had filled her heart, mind, and body with scars long before she took a bite of her poisoned apple.
And she's still dying to know why?
What makes your new girl worth more than the girl in my closet.
The girl huddled, scared on the bathroom floor.
The girl who gave you the most beautiful little love of your life.
The girl who gave you so much of her childhood and growing up years.
Why is she worth more than her?
Why is her heart, body, and mind sacred to you and mine was just a vessel to be used.
To be forced.
To be bent.
To be broken.
I wish I had answers for that girl inside of me, but I don't.
The woman I've become who is loved more than she will ever understand by the most amazing man on the entire planet just can't seem to explain it to her no matter how hard I try.
So, tonight I'm just going to ache for that girl and for all the lies she believed.
Because despite what you told her, she is beautiful.
She is worth it.
And she grew up into someone who is stronger than she ever thought was possible.