Friday, August 29, 2014

And Sometimes You Fly

" When she transformed into a butterfly, 
the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but her weirdness. 
They wanted her to change back into what she always had been.
But, she had wings."
~Dean Jackson

If you would of asked me a year ago where I thought I would be in a year, I wouldn't have been able to answer. 

A year ago this week, I was a mess. 


Every breath hurt. 

Every night was long. 

Every second that I could make it to the next was an accomplishment. 

There were days I didn't think I would make it, and there were nights I almost didn't. 

This post describes that time in my life perfectly. Despite it's controversy-it is my story on paper. 

The bitter means to what was meant to be my end. 

Thankfully, it wasn't. 

Not by a long shot. 

You know, the most amazing thing about rock bottom is that when your lying flat on your back you learn a lot about yourself and what exactly you are made of. 

Strong things. Tough things. Never-ever-going-to-back-down things. 

And once you realize that you are more than the mistakes...

The hurts...

The abuse that once chained you...

The men who walked out on you...

The lies you once told...

The lies you once believed...

The promises you broke... 

The darkness that once tried to consume you...

You allow Him to walk into your life, and begin changing you for the better. 

You allow Him to shine His light into every single inch of you and it stretches into every dark place inside your soul.

And suddenly you begin to understand that verse you learned as a small child, 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." (Ecclesiastes 3:11). 

What has He made beautiful? Everything.

Every single thing.

He reaches down and finds beauty in the ugliest of messes. 

He pulls you out of the darkness and picks you up from your reckoning place on rock bottom. He wipes the dirt and spit from your face, and in that moment instead of judgement He gives you the most beautiful set of wings. 

Wings that help you rise above the stones they're throwing, and their condemning whispers. 

Wings that allow you to see the world from His point of view instead of from the hard church pew you were used to seeing it through.

Wings that give you the strength to reach into the fire for others. 

Wings that remind you that you are no longer a caterpillar. 

He has set you apart. 

He has allowed you to walk through the fire, so that your story can be used to glorify Him. 

And as many of you know, I have never once shied away from my story. 

I have owned it from the moment my entire world fell apart. 

And as long as He sees fit to use this beautifully broken vessel, I'm going to let Him, and because of that He has blessed me. 

He has blessed me with the opportunity to meet some of the most strong and amazing women I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. Women with stories just like mine. Women who own their beautiful messes and who give all the glory to Him. 

He has blessed me by empowering me through my story. By giving me the courage and opportunity to show my daughter what real love looks like. 

He has blessed me with this completely amazing guy. A guy I would of never met if my life would of stayed on the same path it was a little over a year ago. A guy who truly loves me unconditionally-faults and all. Not only have I found a best friend, but a protector for my heart. A rare thing in this world.

He has blessed me with an amazing church family who have a heart for this broken world just like I do. 

He has blessed me with the opportunity to mend broken bridges and make them stronger, so that my daughter can have a loving and caring family dynamic on both sides of the fence. 

He has blessed me. 


If someone would of asked me a year ago if I ever thought that He would use my ugly mess to bless my life, I would of probably laughed at them just like Sarah laughed at the angel who told her she would have a son in her old age.

And you know what? He would of proved me wrong.

A thousand times over. 

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