Friday, July 4, 2014

Courage, Dear Heart

"But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her,
 'Courage, dear heart,' 
and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan's, 
and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face." 
~C.S. Lewis, "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" 

"Courage, dear heart."


Who knew it would only take nine short months for you to no longer be seen as her mother, but merely the shell that once grew life?

Who knew that it would only take nine months before you would be forced to compete with someone who has no idea what it's like to give birth to your heart and then forever be forced to watch it walk around outside of your body?

Who knew nine months ago when you wrote this post that your words would actually be put to the test?

Who knew?

No one. 

No words, books, or therapy sessions.

Not a single soul could have prepared you for the last two weeks. 

The last two weeks that have turned once brave words to dust, and trust into a bartering tool. 

I can't believe I actually thought we were getting the hang of this. 

God, was I wrong.

We still have a long way to go. 

Because, unfortunately this road is hard and so very steep. It levels out in places, but only enough to give us time to catch our breath. We struggle. We glimpse the top of this mountain, but there are days when it still seems so far away.

And sometimes, I crumble. I lose my bearings. I give into the bullying when I shouldn't, and I stand my ground when there is no ground to stand on. I waiver. I start to lose heart.

And as I sit on my bed in a puddle of tears wondering how, if, and when we will ever master the steps to this dance-when we will ever reach the top of this mountain-I feel His hand on my face. His breath on my cheek. 

"Courage, dear heart." 


"You've come too far to turn back now."

And I know He's right.

I know.

I know the only reason I've made it this far is because He has ahold of my hand, and I know I'm headed in the right direction because He just keeps paving the way.

I know that even on these days when it feels so very hopeless that my hope can rest in Him, because He has a plan.

He always has a plan.

And I just have to keep praying, and trusting, and moving forward one step at a time.

So, today I will dig down deep and find my ever elusive courage.

I will stand my ground.

I will remind myself that I gave up being bullied into silence nine months ago.

Nine very short months ago.

And in the future if she remembers anything about these days, I hope she remembers the times I found my courage when it felt like I didn't have an ounce of it left.

Courage that only He can give me.

"Courage, dear heart."


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