Sunday, March 2, 2014

The Road To Mending

"When you got hurt, it made you beautiful.
The cracks around your heart, they let the light shine through.
When you got hurt, in pieces on the floor.
You put them back, even better than before."
~ John Mayer

As I sit here in my quiet apartment, the only sound is the clicking of the keys on my laptop and the sound of my furnace kicking on and off. Emma's dad has just come to get her, and I am left here alone in this tiny space we call home on a day I cannot go anywhere thanks to a layer of ice and snow that crept in overnight.

Six months ago the thought of spending an entire day alone in this apartment would of suffocated me, but today on this second day of March, the thought actually kind of thrills me.

Sure, I have a gigantic research paper to write and I'm nursing some pretty gnarly neck pain. But after the week I have had, the thought of spending the next few hours working quietly on my paper and absorbing the peace that comes from this place that is mine...all exactly what I've been needing.

So, as I allow the thought of having this entire day to myself settle nicely into its place, I realize for the first time in a very long time that I am healing.

Slowly, but surely healing has found it's way in and it is beginning to bind up all the broken places, and leave a fresh balm of peace and contentment in its place.

Trust me, I wish I could tell you that healing happens overnight. 

Unfortunately, you don't go to sleep with a broken heart, and wake up whole.

If only it were that easy.  

I am learning that healing comes in the form of fresh coffee in the forbidden cup that was a gift from a cold February day, in being able to listen to the songs that used to break your heart, and in visiting places you never thought you'd be able to set foot in again. It comes in the form of smiles that actually reach your eyes, in the first time you sleep through the night without a nightmare, and in your first kiss after a terrible heartbreak. It comes in the form of check marks on your bucket list, in laughter with your best friend, and in brand new hair cuts that signify a woman who is about to change her life. It comes in the form of ink on paper, books on your night stand, and music that touches your soul.

It comes in the form of a loving and merciful God who reaches out to you in your darkest moments and whispers, "My daughter, you've suffered enough".

And yes, it comes in the form of days in your apartment that no longer seem so scary and lonely.

It comes. I promise.

If you are hurting today. If you feel alone today. If you woke up this morning to the ice outside your door and wondered how you will ever make it through this day.

I'm hear to tell you, you're going to make it.

Even when it feels like the entire world is against you, and hell bent on holding your feet to the flames of mistakes that have long burned out and been forgiven.

Even when your past creeps up and haunts you from the other end of the phone line in the form of gossip that lingers with the scent of who you WERE, not who you are BECOMING.

Even when the faces at Walmart are not always kind or friendly.

Even when the nights are long and hard.

Even when you feel like you can't entertain the thought of facing another day alone, or hurting, or angry, or so unbelievably sad.

Healing comes.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalms 147:3

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

"My flesh and my heart may fail, 
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalms 73:26

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

See?! I told you. Healing is coming. He promised it would be so.

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But, it's coming and everyday you'll be able to see yourself doing, hearing, saying, or watching something you couldn't even muster the courage to face 24 hours ago.

It comes in the form of baby steps along the road to mending. And before you know it, all that will be left in the place of all that hurt, sadness, and loneliness is a beautiful scar.

The symbol of everything you were, and how you fought so hard to get to where you are today. It will be your reminder that you still have so much in this life that is worth fighting for.

The road to mending is long and treacherous, but it is worth every single step you will take.

I promise.

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