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Friday, November 1, 2013

Dear Teller Girl

"Judgment prevents us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances."

~ Wayne Dyer
Dear Teller Girl,

Do you know what it's like to hate going to a place so much that your whole body shakes when you are near it? No. You probably don't. And while you know my name and my face from the few times I saw you at trivia night at my favorite bar over the summer, you wouldn't have known that your workplace leaves me feeling anxious and nervous like when you first enter a haunted house. How could you?! When I pulled up to that drive through window and made eye contact with you and saw recognition register on your face, how could you have known that the absolute, only reason I even come there is because that is where we make a lot of our deposits for work? You couldn't. And how could you have known that when you started talking to the girl who was taking my deposit and who had no earthly idea who I was, that she would leave on her mic?! You couldn't of known, and instead I heard every. single. word. 

Yes. While I pretended to play on my phone, I heard you tell her who I was, what I had done, and what you thought I had done. I heard you say things that I have heard people say a thousand times in the last two months about me. Things that come from people who don't really know the truth and who choose to believe the lies masquerading as truths about me and the situation. But, you know, I guess that's what happens when someone throws you under the bus to save themselves. Instead of a clean break, you get an ugly mess and people literally standing in line to take turns driving the bus over you and your already mangled heart. 

So, yes, I get it. You've heard "my story". You know my face. You remember my name. And instead of letting me quietly make a work deposit at ten minutes to 5:00 pm and allowing me be on my way, you choose to fan the flames and tell a story to one more person that really isn't your story to tell. Wow. Thank you. You just gave her a ticket to drive a bus over someone you REALLY don’t know at all. How kind of you.

So, since you’re such an expert on me and my past mistakes, let me give you a little bit more information about me to solidify your story. I want to make sure you know everything about the girl you feel so comfortable talking about “behind her back”. I mean after all, if you’re going to paint a picture, you should at least have all the colors.

I am someone’s mother. I have a beautiful four year old girl and I love getting to make up for every single second I missed out on while I was chasing a lost cause. She hardly ever goes to a sitter anymore and I now spend my Friday nights playing dress up or doing a craft. We watch kid movies, eat popcorn, and we are usually in bed by 10:00 pm. It’s amazing.

I am someone’s daughter. Yes, me. The homewrecker. I have parents. Real parents who have been disappointed by my choices, but who still chose to love me through them and who will always have my back. Did you know they pray for me? Yeah, they do. Every single day. And it is because of their amazing example, that when my world fell apart two months ago that the first place I turned was to my knees. Yeah, I actually pray all the time now. I pray for things like the strength to get through one more day, for the patience to bite my tongue, and for the peace I need to continue moving forward with my life. I was actually praying that day as I sat at your drive-through window. I prayed for the strength to get through those seemingly endless minutes, and I prayed for you for whatever hurt you must have in your life that would cause you to hurt some girl you don’t even know. I am still praying for you.

I am someone’s sister - actually I have three sisters. If I were you, I’d watch your back. They can be slightly unpredictable. Just kidding…but, no. Really. My sisters are the first people to tell me when I’m making a huge mistake, but they are also the first people to catch me when I refuse to listen to their warnings. They have held my hand, bandaged my hurts, and pushed me to a better place. At the end of the day, they are the ones who have been on the frontlines fighting right beside me. I have no idea what I would do without them.

I am someone’s friend. I know this will come as a shock to you, but I actually have a lot of friends. Not as many as I thought I had two months ago, but hard times weed out the people you don’t need in your life. The friends that have stuck by me: the ones who have defended me when I’m not around, called just to check on me, laid with me on the floor when I felt like I couldn’t get up, come over at 2:00 am just to listen to me cry, and the ones who have sat with me or made me get out of the house on the loneliest of nights - those are my real friends. Those are only people I need in my life anyway.

I wonder, teller girl, do you have friends like mine? Friends who would do absolutely anything for you? Friends who would take pills out of your hands and flush them down the toilet? Friends who will hold your hand just to remind you what the difference is between dreams and reality? Friends who will sit at your house while your kid is sleeping and watch “New Girl” with you just so you don’t have to spend the night alone? I hope so. And like me, I hope these types of friends push you to be an even better friend! In the last two months, I have become a much better friend than I was. I actually have time for the people in my life now! It’s amazing feeling to know that in the midst of your pain, you can help people. You can soothe their hurts and bind up their wounds. You can listen to someone talk even if they aren’t making any sense, because that’s what they need from you. I have found that at my darkest, I have the capability of allowing my light to shine the brightest. It’s one of the many unforeseen blessings that this broken life has given me, and because of this I am grateful that my life is far from over.

I am a sinner who has been saved by grace. Beautiful grace. Just the thought of the word brings tears to my eyes. Am I unworthy? Oh yes! But, the beauty of grace is that covers you not because you are worthy of it, but because you are so unworthy of it. Grace is like balm to a dry parched soul. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been wandering in the desert running from your sins and mistakes, the minute you decide that you can’t take another step and decide to turn around, grace is waiting for you like an oasis. I wonder, teller girl, have you ever experienced grace? Grace so profound that it makes you want to open up your arms and offer it to every single person you meet? Grace that fills you with compassion and understanding for others? Grace that makes you bite your tongue and hold back your anger, even when every fiber of your being wants to stand up and fight? No. I wouldn’t think that you have, teller girl. Because if you had you wouldn’t of seen a “homewrecker” starring at you through your drive through window. You would have seen a girl who despite every single mistake she has ever made is loved and cherished by Christ- who is in need of a smile and just a little understanding instead of one more person gossiping about her.

This is who I am, teller girl. I am not my mistakes. I am not my past. I am not the hearts I’ve broken or every single piece of my broken heart that I am still in the process of putting back together. I am not my sleepless nights or my nightmares. I am not my hurts or my tears. I am not the gossip that is spoken about me behind my back. I am not every wrong turn I have ever taken, or every lie I have ever told. I am SO much more than all those things. And I am blessed to know that these things and your “opinion” of me don’t even come close to defining me. No. This girl is ALL of the above and so much more.  

And you know what, teller girl? You know what the most beautiful thing is about all of it? It’s that my story is far from over! I hate to disappoint you, but even if you keep talking about me, and even if people keep waiting in line to drive the bus, I am going to keep living my life and writing my story. I know that what lies ahead of me is far better than anything I’m leaving behind.

So, keep counting that money, teller girl, and thank you for continuing to keep “my story” alive.  All you’re doing is fueling my fire, and giving me one more reason to get up every day and prove people like you wrong. I appreciate the motivation.

Sincerely,

The Girl You’ve Been Talking About

Oh! And P.S. Next time you want to say something about me, you might want to maintain some level of professionalism and at least make sure your co-worker turns her mic off. Thanks.

3 comments:

  1. Even though you handle this was grace, I would get HR involved and file a compliant about her lack of being professional during work while serving you.

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  2. WOWWWWW!!!!! I would have freaked out on her right then and there. DEFINITELY call HR. That is completely unacceptable!!!!

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  3. Ugh, what a jerk! And you were so gracious and classy about it! And you are completely right, your story is FAR from over!!

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