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Friday, November 22, 2013

Dear Monster

I'm healing. I am. You want to know how I know? I smile more. I actually smile a lot these days. In fact, I have a whole list of ways I know I'm on the healing side, but that's a completely different post for another day. Instead, I wanted to share this with you. Another way, I know I'm healing.

 Two weeks ago, my therapist asked me to write this letter so we could stage a reading. My first thought was, "How will I write it?". Two months ago, I could of never wrote this letter. Ever. I could of never penned the words I NEEDED to say. I would of cried, pathetically begged for a second chance, and made an absolute fool of myself. So, when he asked me to write it, I didn't know what I would say or what would come out through that pen. But, you know, I was surprised. Because instead of writing the voice of the hurt and pathetic girl I was two months ago, I wrote the voice of the wise and strong woman I am becoming.

I'm healing. Every single day. Here's proof.

*****

Dear Monster,

It's been 2 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days since you destroyed me. I remember that day on the gas dock like it was yesterday. You know the day you broke my heart and threw me under the bus to save yourself in a 30 second phone conversation? Yeah. That day. 

It haunts me.

I remember your words like knives tearing me to shreds. I remember my co-worker taking my phone as it started to fall out of my hands and her hand on my shoulder as my knees hit the dock. I was breathless. I didn't understand. I still don't understand. 

We had a plan. I followed the rules. I did EVERYTHING you asked. And you PROMISED. Over and over. You sat on the end of my bed in tears, promising me that we'd be alright. "Just a little while longer...", you'd say. 

I believed you. 

I was broken and abused. I trusted you with every single piece. Every single one. And you lied. You?! My very best friend for the past two years LIED to me. All of those nights I called you crying and scared from the floor of my bathroom after he was done with me. All of those days I ran to you and you held me. All the bruises you kissed and fears you soothed. All of the hope you poured into a broken girl at the end of her rope. LIES. Every single one of them.

What kind of monster does that? 

You know, if I could go back, I would spend the rest of my life sobbing and scared on a bathroom floor if it meant I would never have to know the pain of being lied to and left completely broken by my best friend. 

And I wonder, how is it that you get to start over like I never even existed? How do you get to walk away? How come you get a clean slate, while I'm left here to pick up the pieces of a shattered life? How is that fair? 

I wasn't supposed to do this by myself! 

I wasn't supposed to sign divorce papers without you there to hold my hand or spend these nights without my daughter completely alone! I wasn't supposed to face my ex-husband's merry-go-round of girlfriends without my best friend there to soften the blows. I wasn't supposed to learn how to pay bills or go back to school without your encouragement. I wasn't supposed to miss day dates or my favorite little bar. I wasn't supposed to hurt or cry anymore. You PROMISED me that I would never hurt again. 

I wasn't supposed to do any of this by myself while you fake a relationship with Jesus to save your marriage that was doomed from day one.

And I wonder, how can you completely and utterly destroy someone's life, marriage, and reputation, without even pausing long enough to see where the pieces land? What kind of heartless monster does that? 

One who isn't any better than the man who was destroying me with his hands. 

Well,  dear monster, you may think your winning by hiding and faking a smile. You may think that getting "baptized" and "going to church" saves you. You may think that going through the motions to please everyone around you wipes your slate clean. But, let me tell you, it doesn't. The difference between my life today and your's, is that you are the one whose giving up. You are the one who will have to fake it and keep putting on the perfect little show your performing just to convince everyone around you that you are over me.

Well, not me. I actually get to move on and forget you. You want to know why? Because she will never again trust you. Every time you answer the phone, she will want to know who you are talking to. Every time you get a text, she will want to read it. Every day you are at work, she'll think you're somewhere else. Every time you're gone 5 minutes longer than you were supposed to be, she'll be calling you.

And let me tell you, she should. 

Because if I know anything, I know serial cheaters. My dad is one. You might not do it again in a few months or even years, but you'll do it again. You crave attention too much NOT to. And trust me, no amount of holy water is ever going to change that. 

So, go ahead. Fake happiness for a town that has already forgotten your name. As for me, the girl who was left to clean up OUR mess. I won't be giving up. Because unlike you-I'm a fighter. A real, walk-through-the-fire, stare-down-every-hateful-glance, scrape-myself-up-from-the-bottom fighter. And if you think for two seconds that THIS is going to keep me down, you are dead wrong. 

This girl forces herself out of bed every single day. I face my demons with my knees to the ground and my fists in the air. I'm actually trying to get myself back to relationship I had with God before you and my ex-husband. I go to church, not so someone can post pictures of me proving that I'm there, but because I honestly want a relationship with God. I know I can't do this without Him. I don't need pictures on Facebook to prove I'm a "better" person than I was, and that's how I know I'm a better person. I have actually been forgiven by those closest to me, and that is all that matters. Instead of fake-I am honest. Brutally honest. I don't hide. I go places and I stare down every glare and face every nosey, "How are you?" with as much grace as I can muster. I actually spend time with my daughter now that you're out of the picture. My homework gets done, and I actually go to work now. And guess what, dear monster? I even pay my bills ALL by myself. I am functioning. I am getting better. It may be at a snail's pace, but at least it's at a pace in the right direction. Yes, I have bad days, but those are the days I choose to simply wash my face and try again tomorrow.  

I fight. I fight every single day.

I put a smile on my face and work on REALLY moving past all of this. Because, unlike you, my mistakes will not control me or define me for the rest of my life. I actually get a fresh start. One that is free from my sins and the guilt. One where I get to learn from my mistakes, and where I get the opportunity to be better without someone reminding me of them every single day. 

So, you may think you're winning, but trust me, you're not. 

I know it will disappoint you, dear monster, to know that I'm going to be okay. I know that you hate that the life you tried so desperately to destroy is actually thriving. But you know that's the beauty of a life that WANTS God to make something beautiful out of their mess-He does. If you let Him, He will turn your mess into a message. He will replace the bitterness and hurt with joy and compassion. And suddenly you find yourself actually praying for the person who cut you the deepest.

That's right.

Did you know that I pray for you? Probably not. But, I do. I pray for you every single day. I pray that God will give me the strength to forgive you and that He will work His perfect will in your life. And I know that someday that will happen. Probably not today or tomorrow or even a month from now, but it will happen. And until that day comes, I'm going to keep striving towards my goals and making my life better for me and for my daughter. I get stronger every single day, and most days that's because I'm clinging to the hope I have in Christ. I know that He works ALL things together for good. Even the things that were meant to kill you. 

So, this is goodbye, dear monster. For me, this is where our chapter ends. You know, it was so beautiful while it lasted, but it nearly killed me in the end. That's the problem with things that only seem beautiful, sometimes you're blinded by the shine and you can't see the ugly underneath until it's too late. 

Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson I won't soon forget. Thank you for showing me another perfect example of what I DON'T want in this life. Thank you for being the best thing I never had. 

I am stronger because of the heartless lessons you chose to teach me. I may be broken, but I am not defeated, and I am in the process-with God's help-of patching myself back together. I may be bruised, scarred, and held together by stitches, but I AM beautiful, and I know that I am worth a great, captivating love. 

And you know what? He's out there. Somewhere in this great, big world is the boy I'm waiting for and I can't wait to meet him. The boy who will be the man I NEED, instead of another monster trying to destroy me. 

But until that day comes, I am choosing to be the heroine of this story. I will stand on my own two feet and save my own little heart. Because that's what fighters do. And 10 years from now, I pray that I bump into you. So, that you can see that the girl that you tried so desperately to end is more than fine or okay-she's great. By the grace of God, I will be great. 

And you know what? 

I can't wait to see the look on your face. 

2 comments:

  1. I love this so much, especially today. Today I chose to be my own heroine. I stood on my own two feet and with tw grace of God and my sweet friends and loved ones, my Monster did not control my day. God bless the broken hearted and God bless those who have the bravery and honesty to face their dragons head on and slay it on their own, like you and I are both doing.

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  2. This story brought tears to my eyes and not just because of the situation BUT because you are an amazing woman who is striving to seek a deeper relationship with God eBen after everything you have been through! You truly are an inspiration to many woman. I will be praying for you tthat this will move easily and the heartaches will cease. You are simply AMAZING!!

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