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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Tonight

"Numbing the pain for a while 
will make it worse when you finally feel it."
~Albus Dumbledore

I should be doing homework right now. I should be hurriedly typing away at some assignment that is due by midnight tonight. I should be distracting myself-staying busy. I should be keeping pace with the exact same routine that has helped me make it through the last 3 weeks, 4 days, 9 hours, and 45 minutes.

 But, I'm not. 

Tonight I just can't. 

Because tonight the dull, achy, seemingly endless pain is reminding me that I am merely human. A real human girl with a very broken heart. A broken heart that is tired of being so brave. 

So, tonight I'm not going to be. Tonight I'm going drink too much wine and listen to sad songs. Tonight I'm going to let my mistakes haunt me. Tonight I'm going to grieve. 

I'm going to grieve for the promises I've broken and for the promises that have been broken to me. I'm going to grieve for the girl that I've lost along the way. The girl whose lied and been lied too. The girl who gave trust and betrayed it. The girl who traded her innocence and goodness for something that never existed. I think that tonight she's worth shedding a few tears over. 

And tomorrow I'll get up and put on my face. I'll pick up my scarred and dented armor and put it back on. I'll wield my sword and go back to convincing everyone else, including myself, that I'm strong enough to do this...that I'm "fine". Just like I do every single day. 

And I know a day is coming when I won't have to say it over and over to myself. A day when I'm actually going to believe it. 

But, not tonight. Tonight they get to laugh and win and glory at my pain. 

And that's ok. 

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