Due to some very harsh feedback and the threat of a lawsuit from people who are directly involved with my recent extramarital affair, I have removed my previous blog post regarding the incident. I still stand by the things I said, and I'm not removing the post because I lied or because I'm scared. I'm removing the post because I'm a single mom who doesn't need a lawsuit, and because I need to do the best thing I can do to protect my daughter.
I truly believe that the truth sets us free. It allows us to break down walls and barriers, and build up ourselves from solid ground. For me, telling the truth wasn't about defaming anyone or "getting even", it was truly about giving people the colors they needed to paint an accurate picture of me and what happened. I feel like I had a right to defend myself and my dignity-to tell my side of the story-but it was never my intention to do that without owning up to my mistakes. For me owning up to my mistakes and apologizing were the two most important things I wanted to do with that post. I feel like I accomplished those things, but unfortunately some people only hear what they want to hear, and there isn't anything you can do about it. I feel like the people who needed to see the post have seen it, and that I have done my best to show the world-or at least this very small town-that this weird and awkward girl is a lot braver than you might think. However, I'm learning that sometimes being brave isn't about how loud your roar is, it's about knowing when to be quiet and let people actions speak for themselves.
I want to personally thank each and every person who read the blog post and reached out to me because of it. To be honest, I have received more positive feedback than negative feedback which has truly blown me away and left me so humbled. I know in my heart that the people who truly know me know the truth, and they will stand by me and support me regardless. I have been blessed with such an amazing family and so many loyal friends.They are evidence to me of God's grace, because only a gracious and merciful God would not allow me to walk this journey alone. I truly could not do this without their love and support.
I am still deeply sorry to the people who have been hurt by my mistakes. I realize that some bridges have been burned as a result of my choices, and others will take some time to repair. I hope those of us who were directly affected will eventually be able to forgive, move on, and find peace. I truly do. I know that an apology doesn't fix it or erase the past, but I believe it's a start. I am not perfect, in fact, I'm a long ways from it. But, I still believe that my mistakes do not and will not define me. I believe with every broken piece of my heart that I serve a loving and merciful God who uses the fire in our life to refine us for better things, and I WILL be better. Maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but with time. I know a day is coming when I will finally have all these pieces picked up, put back in place, and I will be able to move forward without looking back. That day just isn't here yet, and I am clinging to the fact that my future is not scared of the monsters hiding in my closet, which is good, because neither am I.
I know that eventually the gossip will die down and hopefully this talk of lawsuits will fizzle down to nothing. I hope that I don't have to wear my scarlet letter for long in this town, but even if I do, I want you to know that I'm still going to be just fine. I will continue to be open and honest about my past and my mistakes, because you never know whose life you might be saving with your story. But, from now on, if you want all the colors, you will just have to come to me personally. Until then, I will be here. Trying to grow flowers in the mess I've made and working my way back to the girl I've been missing. She's out there somewhere and she's going to be the best version of myself yet. I just need to find her.