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Thursday, June 13, 2013

A New Chapter

I know it's been a while. I know. I keep looking at my last post and wondering how to tell you just how much everything has changed since her birthday. I want to tell you. I do. But, sometimes for some things silence is best. It's best not to over share or violate what little privacy we still have in this world of blogging, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. And the truth is: words hurt. They leave nasty marks and scars that can never be forgotten. So, for now I am choosing to be silent about all the details.

For those of you who do know and have supported me. Thank you. You have become an irreplaceable part of Emma and I's life, and I would not have made it as far as I have without you. For those of you who know (or think you know) and have done nothing but gossip and spread rumors about me, I hear the things you say and trust me, I have LOTS of things I want to say back. But, I have no intentions of stooping to your level. Just remember when you're talking about me to be perfect for the rest of your life, because if I've learned anything at all through this situation it's that people are always watching. Always. And it won't matter what the truth is, because somehow the truth always gets twisted into something even uglier than what it was in the beginning. People are brutal, and all you can do is hold onto the truth-even if you're the only one who believes it. And no, that's not as easy as it sounds. You have to grow thicker skin, walk with your head a little higher, and realize that there will be days when you feel like you're the only person telling yourself that you're gonna be okay. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done-the most brutal chapter of my entire life. But, I know that I am taking the steps I need to be the best me I can be, and I know in my heart that this specific chapter of my life will help me to become the mother that Emma not only needs, but she deserves. 

With that said, for those of you who don't know, but honestly want to know. I appreciate you respecting Emma and I's privacy, and giving me time to come up with the words I need to say-I want to say-on my own. This situation isn't a "one-blog-post" kinda thing. It's going to take time for me to craft the words exactly how I want to say them without saying too much, or sharing too little. And who knows, I may never come up with those words. I'm sure over time you'll pick up on what's going on, but I can't promise you that you will know why. Sometimes I think even I will never know why. But, please know that I appreciate each and every one of my readers. I love that you let me share a corner of my heart with you, and I love having something that I can hopefully go back and show Emma. So, for now, please know that I covet your good thoughts and prayers. Knowing there are people out there who love me and support me unconditionally is the only thing that gets me out of bed some days.

Okay, so now that we've gotten the elephant in the room out of the way...kind of...I just wanted to do a quick update on what Emma and I have been doing lately and share a few pictures.

Emma successfully graduated from her K3 program in May. She learned SO much in Ms. Becki's class and I am so thankful to have the education she received at school to supplement what she was learning at home. Emma actually won the "Christian Character Award" for her K3 & K4 class. We were so proud of her and she was beaming when she walked up on that stage to accept her award. It's moments like those, especially with the changes that have occurred in our family over the last few months, that helped me take a step back and realize that I am a good mom. I'm certainly not perfect and I make mistakes, but despite everything, I am not permanently scarring my child. She is well behaved for others and compassionate, and just a good kid...a really good kid and I'm proud to call her mine.

We are now full swing into summer around here! My summer job started Memorial Day weekend, and I am officially juggling three jobs and trying to stay afloat. I qualified for a low-income apartment, and Emma and I moved in Memorial Day weekend...YIKES!  It took about a week and WAY too many trips to Wal-Mart to count, but we got moved in! Our "girl house", as Emma calls it, is coming together slowly, but surely. I covet every single night I get to spend with her at the apartment, and even though we've only been there about three weeks, it's starting to feel more and more like home. In addition to getting settled on our own, I am actively trying to find a better full time job. I would like to only have one job, so we can have some consistency and I won't worry so much about providing for us. It's been a struggle, and I may have to get a fourth job before it's all over, but I know we're going to be okay...eventually.

We do a lot of swimming on my days off, and I'm lucky enough to live a few apartments down from my sister, so I get to keep my nephew one day a week. Even though both of them together can be trying at times, I love being able to get the kids together, especially since my sister and I don't usually have the kids on the same day. Emma loves her cousin Noah, and I am so thankful for their fast friendship. I am also thankful for my cousin, Mya. She's only 8, but she has been the biggest help! She always plays so well with Emma, and I joke and tell my mom I should just pay Mya to babysit! :) Emma and Mya have a very special bond and I am thankful that she is the sister Emma has never had.

Needless to say, we stay busy. We have too. I'd be a mess if we just laid around anyway. However, nothing beats those times when it's just here and I at home. I love curling up with her to watch a movie or read a book. I love those moments when I get to remind her that she is the reason for every breath I take. I am so blessed that God gave her to me, and I want her to always know how special and loved she is. She is my sunshine-my heart. And at the end of the day, no matter what, she is all that matters to me. As long as I'm doing the best I can for her, and being the best I can for her, then I'm doing my job. Period. Everything else doesn't matter.


4 comments:

  1. You are an AWESOME mama, anyone can see that! Stay strong!

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  2. I've been hoping things are okay for you. So glad you have your daughter- I know exactly how much strength they can give us during rough stuff.

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    Replies
    1. Truly. We are ok-or something that resembles ok ;) Excited to see pictures of you're new little one :)

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