Grief is the monster hiding in my closet. Over the last month and half, it's been here a lot-waiting, lurking, preparing to overtake me anywhere at anytime. I used to break down at odd times in odd places: the middle of Wal-Mart, driving home from work, folding a load of towels. It used to come quickly and drag me under before I even saw it coming. Grief is a dark place-a hole I was constantly trying to crawl out of, but always managed to fall right back in. It has been a struggle, but I'm slowly defeating this monster a little more everyday.
Grief is also a journey. A long, hard journey. One I despise traveling, but one I know I must travel to get back to the place where I'm okay. I'm never going to be fine. I'm never going to be right, because honestly there is nothing "right" about a 23 year old girl losing her life. But maybe...just maybe...someday I'll be okay. Because, eventually the pain and shock will settle into the crevices of my being making me ache to the bone as it becomes apart of me, but I will take it in stride. I will find a way to live with the pain, and I won't cry as much, and I know in that moment I will truly be okay. I look forward to that day.
I'm actually doing much better. I still have my moments. I still miss her deeply. I am tormented by the memories of that day, and the ways I could of been a better friend, and I'm starting to think I'll never have peace from those thoughts, but that they will eventually just consume my mind less and less-or at least I hope they do. I find comfort in knowing she loved me. And some days that is the only light I see from the depth of this dark place. I cling to her-our memories and our friendship like a rope that someone has tossed down to me to help me crawl out. I know eventually I won't keep falling back in. Eventually, I will merely circle the hole before I am able to walk away from it completely. However, I also know that this kind of grief never goes away. It stays with you forever. No matter how hard you try to forget, you never will. So, it's best to just get down to the business of accepting the newest resident of your soul and move forward. Always move forward.
So, I apologize for being MIA. I apologize for having nothing to write about but how sad I am. I wish I had a happier post for you. My heart and mind are slowly starting to work again. I am starting to find inspiration in the little things: Emma, my new job, my resolutions for 2013. And maybe someday soon I'll be able to write about those things. But, for now all I can give you is this and the hope that someday soon I'll be back-a little less broken, a little more stronger, and it will be like I never left.